What do you think about a 30-year-old girl who lives in Vietnam and is still single? She must be on the shelf and as nutty as a fruitcake, of course.
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| A local modern woman busy at work |
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| And she still has a traditional duty at home |
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| So many of them decide to enjoy a solo life as long as possible. |
Just some decades ago, Vietnamese girls, especially those in rural and mountainous areas, used to get married when they were as young as 13. The wedding was arranged not by the bride or the groom themselves but by their parents or match-makers.
The girl joined her husband’s family to share the burden of housework or field work. Some were happy with their lives, some not, but they all had many children, five or seven on average. The reason may be because they lived together for a long time, entertainment activities were not bountiful or no anti-abortion methods were introduced.
But things are different today as women are well-educated and have more chance to participate in social activities, to work for dynamic, multinational companies. They are beginning to place more value on personal independence and individuality; therefore, the trend of getting married late, becoming single mums or enjoying solo life is popular.
I myself am an example. I graduated from a well-known university and now am working for a good company, good looking, intelligent and nice (as people have said), I possess more than enough criterion to choose a good guy to be the father of my children. However, it is really difficult for me to find the prince of my life. The reasons are various. The first prince appeared like a dream. After one year dating together, I realized that I was not born or educated to obey whereas my lovely prince wanted me to follow absolutely what he told me to do. “Sorry dear, I am a human being and you can see blood veins under my skin. If you want an obedient sweetheart, buy a robot. It’s quite cheap now and even programmed to control remotely.” That’s the final sentence I spoke to him before we separated.
The demand of an increasingly competitive working environment is another factor contributing to late marriage trends. Women now play more and more roles in business activities and they want to pursue their own careers. Sometimes they find it hard to balance the work and family relationship.
“I start my day at 7.30am and finish at around 7 or 8pm. Back home, I sometimes have to write until midnight. Though the salary and benefits are good, I don’t have time for meeting friends, relatives or dating,” Minh Chau, a twenty-eight years old auditor of Ernst & Young Company, shared with me. And that’s why she is still single now.
In the past, women over the age of 25 were regarded as “behind schedule” in marriage and they got much pressure from parents or peers if not getting married “on time”. Parents thought that the best age for delivering birth is from 23 to 30 and their daughters-in-law should be young enough to “produce” strong, healthy successors.
The average age of marriage nowadays, however, is 27 or later, and more people are staying single into their thirty’s. They are independent and do not want to be bound by conservatively traditional values. “I’m not a birth delivering machine. I need a real home with warm family environment, mutual understanding and spiritual connection,” Hoang Thien, a 31-year old freelance journalist in Hanoi said.
Some are brave enough to bring up children on their own. They partly want to keep their own freedom, partly want to have a cuckoo net waiting for them after a hard working day. However, there’s a price to be paid. They have to act many roles in the family: the breadwinner, the mother, the father and sometimes they overhear gossip from neighbors about their single mum status. Anyway, I respect them because they dare to do what they like.
So what are the men living in Vietnam thinking about this trend? Pham Quoc Hung, a government officer, has mixed feelings on this matter. On one hand, he supports women to contribute to outside activities and build their own career. On the other, he thought some women are too demanding and they set many criterion for their partners, i.e handsome, intelligent, rich, humorous, good ground while they don’t look back themselves. That’s why they are still on shelf at the age of 30 or over.
Meanwhile, Peter Ryan, an Irish consultant working for two and half years in Vietnam, who has some close Vietnamese male friends, said that Vietnamese men are paternalistic and don’t share housework with their wife. “There are also many bindings for Vietnamese women once they get married,” he said. “They are rarely allowed to participate in social activities or go out with friends as before. Some are requested to stay at home to take care of children. Some even change their characters or behaviors just to please their husband’s relatives. For well-educated women, I don’t think they will accept to live like that because they know they deserve to be treated better.”
Back to my case, my thirtieth birthday just passed several days ago and I am still on the way to find a soul mate. If you know anyone who is humorous, respectful, interesting and well read, kindly introduce them to me.